In my last post, Holidays After Divorce: Make a Plan Before the Pressure Builds, I talked about getting ahead of the holiday pressure. That includes coordinating with your co-parent, planning celebrations with your kids, and thinking about the time you’ll spend without them.
Now comes the next step: communicating it.
Because the holiday plan you have in your head might look very different from the one your co-parent has in theirs. Until you’ve confirmed the details together, you may have a proposal rather than an agreed-upon plan.
And the time to discover that difference is before Thanksgiving morning.
Start with what you want, then consider what you’re asking
When I help a client prepare for this conversation, I suggest starting with their ideal situation. When would you like to have your kids? Which traditions matter most to you? Are there family gatherings or travel plans you’re hoping to include?
Then take a step back. Is your request realistic? Does it leave room for your kids to have meaningful holiday time with their other parent, too?
Maybe you’d love to have the entire week of Thanksgiving. Would splitting the school break make more sense? If you’re asking for Thanksgiving this year, are you comfortable with your co-parent having Christmas?
I know you want your kids with you for every holiday. I understand that feeling. But when you’re sharing parenting time, your wishes can’t be the only consideration. Your co-parent has traditions, relationships, and experiences to share with your kids, too.
If you already have an established parenting plan, start with that schedule. Focus your communication on confirming the details that need coordinating.
Look at the holiday through your child’s eyes
One thing I think parents sometimes overlook is what the schedule will actually feel like for their child.
How many Thanksgiving dinners can a seven-year-old eat in one day?
Splitting the holiday might sound fair to the adults. But for the child, it could mean leaving one gathering early, spending time in the car, and arriving at another house where everyone expects them to be hungry, cheerful, and ready to celebrate again.
In my opinion, alternating Thanksgiving can sometimes give kids a more relaxed experience than dividing the day between homes. That won’t be the right fit for every family, but it’s worth considering before assuming a split day is best.
The same goes for Christmas. Maybe you live close enough to share the day. That can work for some families. But picture your child waking up, opening gifts, and starting to play, only to hear, “Time to pack up. We have to go.”
Could you move your celebration to another box on the calendar? Could they enjoy an unrushed Christmas experience with you and another with their other parent?
Holidays can be stressful for adults. Being a child doesn’t make that stress magically disappear. Before proposing a schedule, imagine being the person who has to live it.
When we put our kids first, we want them to have wonderful holiday memories with BOTH parents. Sometimes that means giving up time that feels sacred to us so they can have those experiences with their other parent. That can hurt, especially when it means changing a tradition you love. You’re allowed to feel that loss while still making room for your child to enjoy the holiday in both homes.
Put the proposal in writing
Once you’ve thought through a realistic option, communicate it directly to your co-parent.
Because the holidays can feel emotional and high stakes, I recommend putting the details in writing. For me, text messages aren’t always the easiest option. If I need to find something we discussed three weeks ago, I don’t want to scroll through every conversation we’ve had since.
An email with a clear subject line, such as “Thanksgiving schedule,” can make the conversation easier to find. If you already use a co-parenting app, keep it there.
Be specific about dates, exchange times, locations, transportation, and any travel details that need coordinating. “I’ll get them after lunch” leaves a lot more room for confusion than an actual time and place.
If you’re proposing an arrangement, ask for a response within a reasonable window. I often suggest three to five days when there’s enough time before the holiday. You can ask your co-parent to suggest an alternative if your proposal doesn’t work.
A response deadline helps move the conversation along. It doesn’t mean that silence equals agreement.
Confirm the details before telling the kids
Once you’ve reached an agreement, put the final details together in one message so you both have something clear to refer back to. Confirm who is picking up, where the exchange will happen, and what time everyone needs to be ready.
Then explain the settled plan to your kids in language they can understand: where they’ll be, who they’ll be with, and when you’ll celebrate together.
Let them ask questions and share their feelings. They can be disappointed about missing a tradition without being responsible for fixing the schedule.
Please don’t send them to the other parent with, “Ask your dad if you can stay longer,” or “Tell your mom I want you for Christmas Eve.” And don’t announce a celebration before the adults have agreed, leaving your child caught between two different promises.
The adults handle the negotiations. The kids get to be kids.
Make plans for yourself, too
If your kids will be with their other parent on a holiday, you can still celebrate together on another day. But please don’t forget to make a plan for yourself on the actual holiday.
Take a solo trip if that appeals to you. Get together with friends, spend time with family, or find a show or activity you’d enjoy. Your plans can be simple and still give you something to look forward to.
You may miss your kids even while doing something you enjoy. Both can be true.
Three tips to take into the conversation
Consider the experience behind the schedule. Before making your request, picture your child’s day, including meals, travel, transitions, and time to enjoy being where they are.
Be specific and confirm in writing. Clear dates, times, locations, and transportation plans help everyone know what to expect. Make sure you distinguish a proposal from a confirmed agreement.
Keep the conversation between adults. Settle the details directly with your co-parent, then give your kids a clear explanation without making them messengers or negotiators.
If you’re struggling to figure out what to ask for or how to say it, I can help you organize your thoughts and prepare for the conversation. Book a free meet-and-greet with me so we can talk about the support you need this holiday season.
