The holidays have a way of bringing pressure with them. Family expectations, school events, travel, gifts, traditions. Add divorce and a shared parenting schedule, and there can be a whole new layer of questions.
Where will the kids be? When are we celebrating? What happens to the traditions we’ve always had? And what am I supposed to do when they aren’t with me?
You don’t need every detail figured out today. But now is the time to start making a plan, before the calendar fills up and the emotions get bigger.
Whether this is your first holiday season apart, your first year following a holiday parenting plan, or a familiar season that still feels hard, start with three things: coordinating with your co-parent, celebrating with your kids, and making plans for the time without them.
Start with the schedule
If you don’t have an established holiday arrangement, start discussing it now. Where will the kids spend Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, or whatever holidays your family celebrates? What about New Year’s? Are there birthdays or other meaningful dates to consider?
A conversation now gives you time to work through the details instead of trying to figure everything out while someone is packing a suitcase or setting the table. If an arrangement is still being worked out, be clear about what is proposed and what is actually agreed upon before making promises to the kids.
If you do have a parenting plan, pull it out and read the holiday section. Don’t rely on what happened last year or what you think it says. Know the dates, exchange times, and locations before you book travel or accept invitations.
Look beyond the holiday itself, too. School breaks and work schedules may not line up neatly. Who is available on those days? Is either parent traveling? What needs to be coordinated?
One of the biggest mistakes I see co-parents make is assuming everyone knows the schedule. An assumption is not a conversation. Confirm the details directly with each other, and keep the kids out of the messenger role.
Don’t let the box on the calendar limit your memories
The official holiday sits inside a box on the calendar. Your celebration doesn’t have to fit inside that same box.
If your kids won’t be with you on Thanksgiving, you can have your special meal another day. If Christmas morning belongs to their other parent this year, you can choose a different morning for pajamas, pancakes, and presents.
That doesn’t mean the date means nothing. You’re allowed to feel disappointed. But a different date can still hold a meaningful celebration.
Think about the traditions you actually want to keep. Which ones do you and your kids enjoy? Which ones have become another obligation? Is there something new you’d like to try?
In my family, we have Thanksgiving Olympics. There are tissues, yams, feathers, and plenty of ridiculous competition involved. I’ll share more about that soon, but the point is that memories can come from something simple. You don’t have to recreate every detail of the past to give your kids something to look forward to.
Make a plan for the time without your kids
If you move your celebration to another day, there is still that original box on the calendar to think about.
What will you do on Thanksgiving or Christmas when your kids are with their other parent?
Give that question the same attention you give the menu or the gift list. Maybe you want to spend time with family. Maybe you organize a Friendsgiving with other single parents, including kids who are home that day. Maybe you want a quiet morning and company later.
In 2024, I celebrated my son’s birthday morning with pancakes and a candle, then took my first solo vacation: a cruise. A few weeks earlier, I had called my travel agent and said, “I want to go where Christmas is NOT.” I’ll share that story in a future post.
Your plan doesn’t have to involve a trip or a big expense. It does deserve some thought.
And having a plan doesn’t mean you won’t cry or miss your kids. A hard moment doesn’t mean you planned badly. The goal is to give yourself support, choices, and something to reach for when the day feels difficult.
Give yourself time, then help your kids know what to expect
Ideally, I like to start thinking about holiday plans a month or two ahead. If you’re reading this closer to the holiday, start where you are. You can still make the next decision.
Once the arrangements are settled, think about when and how to share them with your kids. You know your children: some want advance notice, while others find a long wait confusing or stressful. For many school-aged kids, I’d consider talking through the plan a couple of weeks ahead, with more preparation if travel or a bigger change is involved.
Keep it clear and concrete: where they’ll be, who they’ll be with, and when you’ll celebrate together. A calendar can help make the plan easier to follow. Give them room for questions and feelings without asking them to solve the adults’ scheduling decisions.
Start with one conversation
You don’t have to create a perfect holiday season. Start by checking the schedule, identifying what matters to your family, and making room for your own needs alongside your kids’ needs.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing more about communicating holiday plans, making new traditions, celebrating on a smaller budget, and navigating the days without your kids.
Three tips to get started
Check before you commit. Review your holiday schedule and confirm arrangements with your co-parent before booking travel, accepting invitations, or making promises to your kids.
Think outside the calendar box. Pick one tradition you want to enjoy with your kids, then choose when you’ll do it. A different date can still create a special memory.
Put yourself on the calendar, too. Make one specific plan for the time your kids are away. Invite a friend, arrange a visit, or choose something you’ll enjoy. Give yourself something to look forward to, even if you’re also feeling sad.
If you’re already feeling overwhelmed, you don’t have to sort through it all alone. Reach out to Coaching with Cari for a free meet-and-greet so we can talk about the support you need this holiday season.
